1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, Dead: Simplot Dies at 99
The potato and cloned cow world was stunned today when J.R. Simplot passed away at the age of 99 of natural causes. The man who started with three gold coins in his pocket after dropping out of school at age 14 became one of the richest men in the world and the first truly self-made Billionaire.
“I believe I speak for all cows cloned from my right hoof when I say that J.R. was a saint of a man,” said Clone Cow #41829. “Were it not for him, we all might not even exist. Except for Clone #41899 who is a little weird with only three hooves and a pig face.”
Simplot made his fortune by creating certified potato seed and harvesting “Idaho Famous Potatoes” back in the 1930’s to 1940’s. From there, he became a supplier of frozen potatoes and fries for the McDonalds Corporation where he brought happiness and starch to the masses around the world.
Oddly, those close to him claim that he tried his cloning techniques on himself and wonder if this death is of the real J.R. Simplot or a second or third version that he created of himself. In Tzurumútaro, Mexico there are rumors that a failed self-cloning event created the goat-blood-drinking chupacabra in the 1980’s, shortly after Simplot invested in Micron.
Hector Gomez, a resident of Tzurumútaro, was translated as saying, “Late at night, on the evening of my father’s birthday, we heard a terrible cry from our goat pen. When we went out, there was a strange creature with the body of a cow, the hands made of potatoes, and the face of an old man who was rich.”
Some nights, Gomez still hears the howls of the Simplot-cabra from outside his window with a deep fryer in the background sizzling his potato hands. Best to you, Mr. Simplot…if you are indeed dead.
Tags: Billionaire, Clone, Death, J.R. Simplot, Mexico, Potato
